By Tammy Solonec                          5 April 2010

I've been around smoking all my life. My parents smoked when I was little, though they stopped when I was about 9. I received a lot of education about smoking when I was in school and its risks and vowed never to do it. Then, when I was 17, through peer pressure and experimenting with alcohol, I tried it and became hooked within days. It then took me seven years to stop.

My Seven Year Nicotine Addiction (1994 - 2001)

During my first nicotine addiction, I constantly berated myself for smoking. I knew how bad it was for me, my children, my finances, society and the environment, but did not stop. I decided (and the television ads supported the notion) that I was to blame for this and that it was because of my weak character, selfishness and stupidness that I continued to smoke. I was also berated by others, particularly my parents. Although all these people were generally well meaning, their comments often added to my low self esteem and my belief of myself as a ‘bad person' because I smoked.

 During this seven years, I tried many times to stop through many different methods (including patches, withdrawal and those ‘smokeless cigarettes’), but was never quite able. My partner and friends all smoked, it was a social thing, and I just could not seem to ‘find enough will power' to stop. I wrote letters to the Prime Minister and Ministers for Health with suggestions and asking for help, but that did not get me anywhere.

Smoking Whilst Pregnant

Whilst I was addicted, I had two children and though I knew it to be wrong and bad for my babies, I did not stop. I did stop all alcohol and medications (including paracetamol) and refrained from soft cheeses and other foods that could cause listeria, but could just not seem to give up my ‘crutch' - smoking. I felt very guilty about this and hid it from everyone. I cut back my intake significantly to about four cigarettes per day with my son, and with my daughter I smoked a few more, about seven per day, but I went down to those awful two milligram cigarettes, thinking this was better for my child.

Jonathan, who is now 13, was born with huge tonsils and adenoids, which he had removed at age five. He is now a wonderfully smart and loving child and besides mild asthma and sinus congestion, a healthy boy. My second child, Jacinta, who is now nine, was born with a cleft of the soft palate and was a very sick baby and although now a beautiful healthy girl, she still gets mild asthma and eczema. Now I don't know if cigarettes caused all these health implications in my children, but I have always believed that they did. I became the Secretary and Newsletter Editor of the Cleft Lip and Palate Association of WA soon after Jacinta was born and researched my daughter's condition. The research I found supported my suspicion that my smoking had been the cause of her cleft. There is also a lot of evidence to suggest that my children's sinus congestion, asthma and eczema were also caused by my smoking.

After a year of maternity leave with Jacinta I returned to my Law degree part-time. During first semester I studied a unit called ‘Medicine and the Law' and decided to write a paper, which I called "Extinguishing the Smoking Gun" about smoking whilst pregnant. It was more difficult than I thought and bought up huge emotions for me and also debate I had not considered. Like a woman's autonomy and her right to eat, drink and smoke whatever she wants. I never finished that paper because it was just too close to the bone and legally difficult. 

Coming to terms with causing my children's illnesses has been a very hard thing to deal with, as you can imagine. The guilt I felt for years was unbearable and I still feel guilty when I hear them cough or see them scratch. I love them so much and it has pained me greatly that I caused their illnesses. Although that is the case, I am now, to a degree, at peace with it. There is nothing I can do to change what happened and wallowing in self pity will not help anyone, least of all my children.

Successfully Quitting Smoking

After seven years of being addicted, I finally quit smoking about a few months after my daughter was born, having cried for the first two weeks in utter guilt and grief. I did this by reading a brilliant book called "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr. After reading this book I vowed to never smoke again.

It was difficult stopping and a very big deal for me, but I did it, despite the fact that my husband and friends continued to smoke around me. Finally, I was able to move with my life without constantly worrying about having cigarettes on me and when and where I was going to have my next fix. It was also wonderful to be free from constantly berating myself for smoking and from being berated by others. My confidence and self esteem grew.

In that time I vowed not to touch tobacco and did not. I did an incredible amount of personal healing and growth during this time including leaving my husband, fighting for equal access to my children in the Family Court and finishing my law degree. I read dozens of self-help books and focused on my inner being and creating happiness for myself in my life.

During this time I looked at smokers with pity as I passed them, thinking they weren't as strong as me or that they were somehow flawed. Soon, as I moved on with my life, I forgot about the smoker and the horror they were living.

Starting Smoking Again

In early 2007, I started smoking cigarettes again and all the horrors I experienced previously were once again coming back to life. This time however, I was seeing it with new eyes. Because of the ‘inner work' and healing I had done since I smoked, I was now a much more confident and self assured person. Given all this self belief and confidence, this time round, it was a lot more difficult to solely blame myself for the predicament I was in.

I also found it hard to think poorly of my friends who smoke or the people I met in the smoking sections. Most of these people, like me, are smart and strong and fully aware of the dangers of smoking. They don't deserve the discrimination, contempt and self-hate they get - they're just hooked on a highly addictive substance which is through our laws, readily available.

Already I could feel the effect it was having on my physical body. I had a smoker’s cough. My left pointer finger was brown from the tar and had a constant old tobacco smell. My teeth felt disgusting and my breath stunk. I smelt bad. 

It also had an effect on my behaviour. I was more grumpy and irritable and didn’t have as much energy as I used to. I was missing quality time with loved ones because I keep sneaking off to smoke. I was smoking in my house when no one else is there. I was stinking out the lift at work as I went down for smokes. I felt stupid for doing it and that I was weak.

The more I smoked, the more sick I became and the more depressed I got. The whole process was chewing up enormous amounts of my time and energy. It was hard to think about anything else – I just wanted it to stop.

I was angry at myself for getting hooked again. But this time, as well as being angry at myself, I was also angry at society for allowing them to be always around tempting me, teasing me and being breathed by me without my consent through passive smoking and the environment and it was for that reason that I started to write this paper.

Stopping Smoking ... Again

After writing the first installment of this story in August 2007, I finished Allen Carr’s book for a second time and attempted to stop like I did the first time, but for some reason, reading the book was not enough the second time around. I’m not sure why.

So I decided I needed more help. I searched the internet and starting looking for answers. I downloaded as many You Tube videos on stopping smoking as I could, some which claimed to be hypnotic and I tried as hard as I could through the ‘will power’ method to stop, but of course I could not.

Then I gave further consideration to Allen Carr’s methods and the websites (see http://allencarr.com/central/) and movements that had been created following his methods all over the world. There were classes that people could attend and they were available here in Perth. Unfortunately they cost $500 which was money I could not afford. So I contacted the WA branch and pleaded for leniency and said I wanted to help spread the word of the methods to more Aboriginal peoples. Kindly, the facilitator agreed to let me do the program at a reduced rate. That was such a blessing.

I remember the day I attended the Easy Way class clearly. It was the 13 of December 2008. There were about 12 of us in the group. All from different ages and back grounds, all trapped in the horror of smoking, all wanting to escape. One woman was heavily pregnant. It only went for five hours and was far less painful than reading the book. The book was hard because it said not to give up until the end, and so it was easy to not finish and took me months to read. Over the course of the five hours, you hear of the truth of nicotine addiction and what tobacco does to you and gradually the cigarettes you smoke are reduced until you deliberately have your last cigarette and say good bye to the horrors. Then at the end, they conduct a guided meditation that permeates your self-conscious and helps you to believe that you are a non-smoker.

After I finished the course I was exhausted. I went back to my parents, where my children were being cared for, slept for a few hours and then took the kids home and slept for another 12 hours. After that I did not smoke again for about 12 months and once again, the horrors of smoking dissipated from my life.

Starting and Stopping Smoking ... a final time

I am disappointed that I start smoking again about 12 months later. It is such a slippery slope. All you need is the smallest amount of nicotine to go back into your system before you start having the urges again and whilst you may think you have it under control, within weeks you are back onto it. Well at least that’s how it was for me. It’s all or nothing. I can’t do nicotine in small amounts. I need to have it completely out of my system.

So anyway, hooked again, I once again contacted the Allen Carr crew in Perth pleading for help and booked into a top up course. At this point it was February 2010. That course was great and stopping then was easy again, in fact easier than last time. It was interesting being with others who had done the first course and needed the top up. I thought I was weak in coming back, but found strength and wisdom in the stories of the other participants.

Where I’m at now

It’s been nearly two months since I did the top up and I haven’t had any cravings and the traps that lead me to start again I openly divulged in the top up seminar and that was a blessing. Honesty is the best policy if you really want something to work. I really hope that this is the end of the nightmare for me. I certainly have a good feeling about it this time.

The difference with quitting this time is that instead of forgetting about the pains of smoking and letting my passion for it go, I am now committing to endorsing Allen Carr’s method and being an active part of their campaign, especially amongst the Aboriginal community, where the rates of smoking are almost double that of the non-Indigenous community. It’s like I have a debt I want to repay. I want the Allen Carr program to be free for everyone, including the tops ups, and for us to really start thinking about how we can help heal our human race of the dis-ease that is smoking, one person at a time.

As a society, we can rid the world of nicotine. A lot of people say that is too hard and it will never happen, but I believe it will – and I want to be part of the movement that makes it happen. I have ideas about how the laws could be implemented and drafted and about how we could start a campaign for these laws to be passed. I would like to share and develop these ideas with other interested and passionate people.

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